Before and After

Where I came from

The first picture starts with a deep moment for me. A moment I had a profound life changing realization that fueled rapid growth and development and gave me the resolve and willpower to change. 

This was immediately after I received an intense deep tissue massage. I felt lighter and less pain than I had in months from this massage. I sat up on the table after the massage and sat in this Vajrasana/Thunderbolt pose. I didn't know at the time the name of the pose or anything about yoga. Yet in this moment it was like a thunderbolt activating dormant and stangnant energies in my body starting to flow again, or maybe for the first time ever. I had NEVER been able to sit like this, on my knees. In my whole life. 

When I eased myself down onto my knees in this pose something spoke to me, in a very deep place inside. A sensation that I couldn't quite understand began to well up. I let it come to see what I could learn from it. It felt to me, like... Surrender. 

I realized in this moment that I had NOT ONCE truly admitted defeat. I had some psychological preset that told me sitting on my knees was like bowing down, and admitting defeat. I felt tears start to well up upon realizing this. 

Then I heard a little quiet voice from some forgotten place inside. 

All it said was, "What have they done to you?"

...My head seemed to swirl with this...

What happened to me? I seemed to become aware in this moment of how TRAPPED I was inside my own body. I couldn't even move it in normal movements. I could feel the energy which had begun to flow and I could feel how across EVERY PART of my body that energy encountered blockages. 

I knew in this moment it would take YEARS to get back to myself. 

The COVID-19 Pandemic changed the way most people lived their lives. At the start to the pandemic I had just reached life changing realizations so I did my best to push through something I saw crippling many lives. It felt much like a test to me, I could fall back to old ways or comort patterns or I could push onwards knowing how much change I needed. The pandemic almost assisted my transformation as it gave me continual fuel to keep my fire burning. I got sick a few times and each time made a point to come out of it stronger. 

"What doesn't kill me makes me stronger" 

I chose not to live in fear, but almost everything I did became actions IN SPITE. I did things to prove to myself that I could since the world was telling me I couldn't. I changed in ways for the best because I saw others changing for the worse. I chose not to be controlled by fear and instead lived my life to challenge fear. I seemed to overcome a fear of dying. Instead the fear of dying transformed into reasons to be FULLY ALIVE and live my best life. Here and Now.

I became aware of how social distancing and isolation were affecting me, how staying inside led to depressed attitudes. So I isolated outside, I explored nature when I could and paid attention to when I was in need of reconnecting with nature. I took a weakness and turned it into a strength, finding peace in solitude. I aimed to attune myself with the natural energies of the Earth, not the artificial nonsense of society.